misternathan

ok....i have another appt (yeah, yeah, fuck yeah!!) for my top surgery consultation on may 19.....i have been in battle with the last one for a couple of months now....im done with dr davis...moving on...they are great if you walk in with your own money...its done and its clean....but if you want their help to back you up with your insurance co who clearly have coverage position articles stating they will cover the gender reassignment surgery...forget it....they just dont want to deal with the insurance portion of it...period....fine...i will find a dr who is willing to stand by my side...regardless...and we may have found one...and if not...i wont quit until i accomplish this goal...i cannot live with my chest anymore...the more days that pass while im on t, it gets harder and harder to deal with....im sure others in the community feel the same way.....

added a few new pics of my boy to the eight month gallery......
alex

little update......as i was parking my motorcycle tonight at home....i hit 400 miles!....i have starting commuting on my motorcycle full time now and riding to work and errands.....its been very exhilarating......very free.....im enjoying it immensely!....i feel like im getting better on it everyday....and learning.....as im sure the learning curve will never stop....but it feels good to not be so sloppy as i was in the beginning.......

i started this diet called the keto diet......and im actually seeing results....i feel the energy in the gym...its a different type of energy...and i feel the burn differently too....really cool.....i feel like im gaining muscle instead of losing it......i was getting a little scrawny and i didnt like it.......so i am really pleased to see some muscle gains.....

we are also learning final cut pro on the imac.....good stuff....made a bunch of videos already with our new cam....just need to practice more and learn editing with final cut pro...im really excited to start playing with fcp.....got some info for some submissions to film festivals this year......hopefully we can be ready.....we have a new business name....but im not worried about any of the legal stuff yet....i just want to start playing and submitting!......my goal is to put videos on our website of like just random stuff......or everyday life.....updates on alex.....hopefully soon.....my list of to dos is soooo long!.....if only we could get off this addictive one tree hill series....lol.....oh yeah.....happy 8 months to me!......its been an amazing journey so far.....

wow!...im already picking out my next bike!.....granted it wont be for another couple of years.....but this is just to show how into the motorcycle hobby im getting myself into already!...lol..... 

2 words...cancer sucks....i think im going to get some tshirts with this......alex has started chemo....been here at duke since thurs night....we are going home momentarily...treatment is every 3 weeks...with 3/4 days of onsite chemo treatment..with nausea and tiredness in between....ugh!...

chemo for alex has been pushed to the 28th....so we are basically in intermission at the moment...thinking about taking him to greensboro for the day tomorrow...
...while he is in a break from transitioning..the family has put together an online journal for him if you want to stop by and/or say hi.......thank you all for your support....it means more than you know........

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hopeperkins

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buddy of mine jezwolf    was in a documentary on his chest surgery and was featured in a recent Exhibition and invited me to join him and other transmen for this event. I was completely thrilled and honored to be a part of this show.....here is a link to the event photos....as well as some awesome photos where i can be seen in the background.....i am def looking forward to creating my own documentary of transitioning and participating in similar events such as this....

transmen translated

i think im ready to talk again....a little....your whole life can change instantly with just one life event...one tragic event...my partner...alex...of 4 yrs has been diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer on jan 18 2008...and im not going to lie....its been really rough...i have heard of women having cancer...i have gone to supporting events for cancer....but you never really know anything about it...until you or someone very close to you lives thru it..."Endometrial cancer is most common after the reproductive years, between the ages of 60 and 70"...alex is 31......very uncommon......we went in on the 18 to have a hysterectomy with some knowledge that the uterus had some cancerous fibroids growing…..surgery would take place to remove the uterus and everything would be fine....they found out the cancer cells had spread beyond the uterus and would then be inoperable...so then came the devastating news....and then the pcn...then radiation.....now on feb 21, chemo will start....wow....i mean this is very surreal....we are in one of the top places to be at for cancer tho....duke is an excellent hospital to be in....so we are doing everything possible.....the ironic thing about this whole thing is...its very interesting how life makes you ready for your next highway...when alex and i first met...i had a huge alcohol problem...so needless to say he took care of me...and supported me...was the caretaker....responsible....now .....our roles are completely reversed....its me now.....im very fortunate that I have an understanding boss and I am able to work at home to take Alex to radiation..the family has been helping as well...had this happen 4 yrs ago...even 2 yrs ago....i would not be able to live up to this role much less function in this role.......i will admit....i saw our relationship ending before this cancer....i had different needs and wants at the time...now im putting my needs and wants 2nd and im helping to fight for a life....which im very surprised at myself for behaving this way...im a very selfish person....but im doing this for someone who has helped fight for my life....not nearly the same...but same concept…..when no one else stood beside me....to help me find my way....alex was there…

i have had a streak of bad luck lately....from clumsiness to stupid mistakes...the one that topped it off was last night.....i went to work about 10pm to get the on call blackberry....i was leaving the business park...and i rolled past the stop sign....of all the worst luck in the world...a cop was waiting for me...at 10pm....on a road that no one ever comes down at night much less a cop....he was waiting for me...thats what really pisses me off..he gave me a citation...i lost it.....i really lost it...after he left...i cussed...i screamed..i kicked my truck...i threw a full fledge temper....it lasted about 10 min...i just screamed and let it all out..there is houses on the road...but no traffic....i think that beast was stuck in me since cancer has been in our everyday vocabulary...i felt tons better....then i decided to leave in case someone called the cop back and they might arrest me....then alex called and i pulled off and screamed and vented some more.....i feel tons better....and now my voice has thickened becuz of it.....lol...i mean come on...just when your life is almost perfect….and then your life gets completely turned upside down and the bad luck just will not go away…

im still doing excellent in my transitioning....i just celebrate it with a little less noise....my stomach/forearms/thighs is almost completely covered with a good first layer of hair....my vshape stomach muscles are well defined....my adams apple is well developed and defined...all my muscles are defined…..especially my biceps/triceps.....my bodyfat percentage has gone way down....my face has changed again this month....my sideburns are growing in their first layer ...finally!....my voice is deeper....as each month passes....im loving my body as it maturely grows into manhood....im planning on a red honda rebel in march...and im getting my first professional video camera....alex and I are going to have our first tattoo together soon.. ...im really getting into motocross and supercross lately....on the ps3 and tv events.......i wanted to see a monster truck racing event back in jan but couldnt…...next time...... we are just taking it day by day and trying to live life to the fullest….
btw...this haircut...we are not too crazy about it......i liked it better with my top longer....heres to 6 months on t!!!....

i can officially say i know how to ride a motorcycle now!....it seems so easy now....but its not really....it has the potential to be really really dangerous if you are not careful on it.....this one guy in class locked up the front brake and skidded with the bike....i think he hurt his back really bad....so needless to say he didnt even finish the class....its all in coordination and technique...thinking ahead...and being overly observant.....one wrong move could lead to a dangerous situation.....but the fucking machine is awesome as hell to ride!....its a freedom that bikers only know.....to see the world in a different perspective is the rewarding part of it all.....so as long as i practice and dont get cocky on the bike......ill be alright....i am going to get my motorcycle  endorsement on friday.....then hopefully within a couple of months ill be able to get a honda rebel.....i want to use my motorcycle as my means of transportation....its a hell of a lot cheaper....and fun as hell.....so why not.....

.....lots of changes within me as far as my transition goes..my voice is getting deeper on a stable level....my entire body looks like a small bodybuilder now...i fucking love it...i wish i could share pics online...but unfortunately...there is this one portion of my body that is still not quite right....so until then....you will just have to trust me!...i have definitely developed my physique...in my upper body...its developed into a v shape now ...my arms are getting cut...my shoulders are getting bigger...my back is well developed.....my body fat has been re-distributed....i think i have lost about 5% body fat so far..my chest has gotten significant smaller so my male pecs are actually developing....i have a 2 pack right below my chest..im starting to develop a v shape stomach....i have a v shape below my hips...my hips are pretty much non-existent now...pretty much what you see on a bio guy who is lean and defined…i am starting to see in myself and develop…..i have black hair on my stomach, ass, thighs, arms, hands...actually i have a lot more hair everywhere now....my sideburns and goatee area still seem to be lacking in the hair growth which is odd.....its coming in...just very slowly and not fast like everywhere else...i can see the changes in my face now to a more masculine look....i know that is the key to me passing now....and when i speak...i confirm my maleness...i am def more comfortable using the mens bathroom in public now....i can stand next to a bio dude and its feeling natural..and just the basic interaction in the bathroom is very natural....i use the mens at work now....i have had a couple of interactions with guys that i know...but it just seems to be natural at this point....my male persona is very apparent and real now......my whole persona has changed for the better....i get to act like i have always wanted to act...and im not being judged or stereotyped....i am me!....such an indescribable feeling......i love it when i hear people call me "him" or "he"....like in motorcycle class….im just one of the guys!!.....finally!!!!.....which btw ....i finally got my stp!!!!...i havent started using yet....its hard!...lol....i never thought it would be...but it is...im taking this week to practice and then hopefully i will be able to use out in the real world this weekend while we are shopping!.....

here are some recent pics from my picture gallery...in the first pic-im pre t taken 4/07....then side by side is a pic from this past weekend....there is more pics in my gallery if you want to check them out........i am so amazed at the difference i see..from pre t to now......incredible.....i have noticed too i am getting a vein across my biceps on both arms....you cant see it in pics yet...but i can see it when i work out....yes..i notice every single change in my body!...lol...when you have studied the physique in bio guys your whole life...this is what happens!.....i have never ever been more happy within myself as i am now.....

motorcycle class this weekend!!!!!! in greensboro! OMG! its going to be so much fun!!
my dosage got knocked down to the 2.5mg patch! sucks ass!...but what am i going to do with the extra t floating around my body anyways!

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i have realized why my happiness will not go away....this adventure that im on....its not like its going away....this ride is everlasting!...its not like i am looking forward to a special event....and then this event comes....and  its over...this transitional adventure im on is a lifetime event....the feeling is just indescribable....i mean i am literally a 13yr old boy growing up to become a man...everything from my childhood makes so much more sense now….the way i acted…my teenage yrs…my early twenties…i understand everything…completely…..i always knew there was something different about me...something wasnt quite right mentally and emotionally....up till this yr...this major life changing experience i am going through.....i  just could not understand...i kept searching for this puzzle that was missing from me......i met this individual some time ago...and i believe it was actually she that helped me start to uncover the wool over my eyes....and to actually see myself for who i am today....sometimes love is blind and you dont actually see it for what its worth.......so...slowly i tore down my being....and i shed myself….peeled off my skin layers…..one by one...then i smashed them on the ground....and then i slowly rebuilt myself to who i am today....i understand who i am now....my purpose of existence on this earth is so clear now....and again this feeling is such a powerful high...its really overwhelming sometimes.....i have to really pinch myself out this "daydreaming" thing i go through sometimes....

i feel like changes happen to me everyday....i am growing...so of course....but some days...things are more apparent than others....for instance..im not going to go into much detail here.....it is kinda personal...lol...my clitoris is growing....its amazing...it gets hard...literally!.....its a very beautiful thing....... then there seems to be dark hair growing on my forearms...i also believe a tiny bit of hair is starting to appear on my sideburns....we took pics of my back....and that is amazing.....its muscular...and the shape is turning into a more masculine physique....there is more dark hair growing around my happy trail...and the most weird change yet....i am starting to grow red hair on my head!...and the hairs around my goatee area are coming in red!....isnt that some shit!....im turning into my dad!...its so fucking amazing....my whole physical being is changing into the man i was born with.....and the most amazing indescribable thing is....im not done growing!......so this is what its like to know your true self....indescribable...

i have a clear picture of what i want to do with my biz…..ideas are coming out…it’s a slow process…but i will get there….its the ride that makes it exciting anyways!....i think i need to ease up the bodybuilding training too…i think i have over trained my muscles just a tad bit…i strained something along my shoulder and neck area…so i have been trying to rest  and take it easy….i was talking to this one dude at the gym today…he gave me some insight and some tips…most important…..rest and recover every other day!...im so stubborn…i push myself way too hard!!!....[sigh!]…....my voice is incredibly deep today!....

december 31, 2007 is my consultation appointment with Dr. Davis...here in raleigh.....for my mastectomy!!!....what a kick ass day right?


im in dire need of an STP!...i cant wait...hopefully within the next month....i think i will get one from mango since ethanfender had success with his....

and the journey keeps on flying!........my insurance will cover chest surgery........after a 1yr of hormonal therapy........but only if i stay local...bummer...i was looking forward to traveling.....but actually i would like to travel when i can explore and enjoy the scenery...not for a milestone to achieve!......honestly i dont care who the surgeon is that performs my chest surgery....as  long as they are experienced with trans surgeries, has an outstanding reputation, is considerate and in my network!!...not asking for much am i???????....lol.....so i think i found the
 guy !!!....heard some great stuff about him on tarheel transmen.......so i am going to do more research on him......see if i can find some pics of his work.....and see who else if any is out there in the area......and then very very shortly i will be making my consultation appointment!!!.......the rumor has been six months to see dr davis........i cant believe in 10 months i could possibly see my man pecs!!.....fucking sexy!!!...     

       

Inspired by the real-life story of lesbian Mary Cheney, daughter of conservative Vice President Dick Cheney, Poster Boy is a timely and provocative story set against the explosive intersection of radical right-wing politics and increasing gay visibility. (Regent Releasing)

Grand Jury Award (Outstanding Screenwriting), 2004 L.A. Outfest